honesty
ontwaken ~ waking upPosted by red angel leo Jan 17, 2009 00:12I don't know yet if this is going to work, but I am giving it a try.Most of the times when i want to share something difficult with the " outside world" my mood and mind changes suddenly, like I am not allowed to share. But I am trying it now anyway.Alot fo times I live in a state of dreadly fear, like tragedy is hanging over me or waiting for me all the time.On teh one hand It sounds like my voice, on the other hand, It feesl it's not me, but it sure affects my daily life.I have tried to kep this for myself, being scared that these wordfs would affect the ones I love. ANd i did not want to drag them into that same state of fear or being worrried for me equally as a worry for myself.They worry for me anyway.. so...
Even typing this, I already feel a change, like I am altering my state of being or state of existance right now. Even this is a concept very straneg for me, becuase re reading myself here, makes me kinda think crazy of myself.
I think and feel in many layers, and theall of me's are aware of it.
I do hoipe this is releasing and writing off my chest. If it's not, I am creating myself what i am most afraid of: total despair and feeling lost, forever.
I am afraid not beign able to really change my life,
I am afraid of loosing my fear or beign here at home, the onlylife i really know about.
I am afraid to let go of ther ones that keep me alive here, the ones I love more than my own life.
I am screaming for and at the same time completely afraid to change.
Like i have changed already, and trying everything to change it back, or hold it.
I am not sure of i am falling off the earth or falling on it, and wich scares me most.
manby times i have crashed and brought myself to tears, apologising to myself for not being able to do good for me, or succeeding towards myself.
I feel liek I am stuck to myself and no way to get away from me, how much I try to.
I feel like slowly but steadily my time is running out, and I cannot prevent it,
god knwos how long i haver bene trying to change myself and my life for the better.
many times i felt i was inadequate, and gave up hope, exept to help others, so at least someone could benefit from all this.
I tried to change my desires, tried to give in to them, just to get rid fo them,
it was all temporary.
When, i asked myself just right now what i or it wants to share , and i get : " i just wanted to love all of you, and i feel it wasent enough, i feel it didnt work,
I just end up again andf again, with "just me and i"
seperated , lonely and stuck;
I feel in the end it just all comes back to me, and its liek its an endless loop, whatever i try
to break out of my own cirle.
i tried everythihng to make it a circle of life, but it alwas comes back to a circle of death;
I am sure lot of my friends woudl say, thats not true, look at what you accomplished, how much you hav helpedothers,
but i never coudl really help myself, and never reallybelieved or experienced that otehrs coudl help me,
I ditn even allow them to try ad many times, becaus ein a way i allwas felt, i had to resolve myself, and i feel i have failed , time after time.
it feels like lookign at myself an din myself at the same time, with the feeling of
failure;
despair, loosing, and being stuck;
i condemned myself to myself, and theres nothign i can do abotu it, thats how i feel it.
that si how i feel myself.
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